A day in the life a Cloud!
by Alteria
Summary: Hooray for varia randomness. And a double shot of espresso! *AHEM* I give you this! Belial, the only female of Varia like. Ever. Oh how fun her life must be! Rated for Swearing...and things! Oh? What's this? A new chapter? YAY!
1. CODE: NESBCE

**This is a short series of random Varia goodness! Belial is the Varia Cloud Squad Captain. If that position even exists. If it doesnt it does in this story xD This series doesn't have much of a plot its just sorta bleh...lol

* * *

**

**CODE: N.E.S.B.C.E.  
**

**Never  
Ever  
Steal  
Belials  
Conditioner.  
Ever.  
**

* * *

The varia suck balls. Not just any balls though, big hairy nasty balls. Seriously? I am the first ever...EVER. _Female._ Varia. Member. How much could life suck? I know you're wondering how the hell I got into the varia in the first place. Long story short- I slapped Squalo...and lived to tell about it. But that's not important right now. What's important is what's happening right now. I am currently choking the living shit out of a previously sleeping squalo. I know I know I'm nuts. but I have a reason behind my insanity.

"Squalo you ass!"

Who knew choking him and shaking him like a rag doll would be fun at four in the morning?

"Voi! What the hell you think you're doing woman? Don't you know who I am!"

Squalo yelled as I just kept strangling him.

"A pathologist wont even recognize you if you don't give me back my new hair conditioner you shithead! I've got fucking BRAINS in my hair!"

Yes. I'm choking and shaking the shark over conditioner. But when you have someone Else's brains in your hair its excusable. Yes I have brains on my person. I'm also partially drench and wearing nothing but a towel. Why? Because I _was_ trying to take a shower when I discovered my _brand new_ bottle of _expensive_ conditioner was not in my shower next to the brand new bottle of ridiculously expensive shampoo.

"Oh my, Squ-chan~ I didn't know you two had that kind of relationship." says a groggy and oddly dressed Lussuria. Varia mother my ass.

"You shut your queer ass up!"

"VOOOOOOI! GET THE FUCK OFF ME!"

"Ushishishi~ The prince is amused. What's the matter Belial? Squalo-senpai not giving you any?"

I stopped shaking and choking Squalo for like 3 milliseconds. Long enough to glare the hell out of Belphegor. The idiot who has been trying to make my life hell for years. And the only person I've ever seen who could possibly piss me off more then Squalo stealing my expensive Shampoo. You see, Bel and I were assigned on the mission we just got finished doing. It's his fault I have brains in my hair as well. He wanted to show off with his wire trick and you can just imagine the rest.

He flinched when I jumped off squalo, whether because the towel was loose or because of the deadly aura around me I don't know but he hauled ass, laughing all the way. With that freakish sounding laugh. little shit. But that didn't matter right now. Squalo hadn't gotten off the bed, but Lussuria disappeared back under the rock he came from. I kicked open his bathroom door and turned around.

"I'm using your shower dammit!"

"VOI!" he said hopping up from the bed.

"Dont you _voi_ me you shithead! And you're buying me a new bottle of conditioner!"

Yes, I had fun slamming a door in his face. His own door to be exact.

* * *

When I woke up around noon I was still in Squalo's room. For three reasons. 1) I was too lazy to go back across the hall to my own room. 2) Because it was payback for making me walk through the Varia house in nothing but a towel to get my conditioner back. And 3? Because I was under the impression that all Varia members were eunuchs. In lamens terms, dickless. Lussuria was gay but I don't even want to know about his sex life. I could walk around this castle stark naked and nothing would happen. As a matter of fact I have. My Squad would simply tell me to go put some cloths on. Xanxus would probably ignore me entirely. But Squalo...I've gone so far as to hop in the shower with him and nothing happened. There's a story behind that. I'll tell you later. Anyways I woke up naked in Squalos bed, with a partially naked Squalo half spooning with me. And Fran got yet another picture of me.

Squalo woke up first. No surprise there. The surprise was that he wasn't screaming at me. He pushed me off the bed. I may not be that big but Gravitational wake-up calls are annoying. Let alone painful...

"Get the fuck out of my room."

"touche shark, touche."


	2. CODE: ZETSUWAZA

This chapter was inspired by a hilarious doujinshi I saw once. I went through my photobucket and found it and I couldn't help myself xD All fear Zetsuwaza FTW! O.O

http:/www(dot)issendai(dot)com/translations/yuyuhakusho/foxtrip/foxtrip(dot)htm

I looked it up since I only had the first three or four pages and there you have it, a link to the entire...thing.

Everyone has something in the world that they would die without. Everyone. For Xanxus it's alcohol, for Squalo it's the word VOI. Lussuria has men, and Levi...has Xanxus. For me it can be only one thing. Shrimp. Fried shrimp to be specific. Xanxus rarely lets it in the castle let alone in the kitchen. He doesn't want his castle smelling like rotten pussy. Those were his exact words by the way. But he isn't here now is he? No, our beloved psychotic boss is actually doing something. Shock shock surprise surprise.

I was minding my own business, sleeping in the library, yes we actually own one not that I've ever seen a book move since I got here. In that one comfy chair that Xanxus has his ass engraved in 80% of the time he's home. When the smell of breaded shrimp fresh from the pot filled my nostrils I sat up like a zombie. My body moved on it's own since all I could do was think 'Shrimp'.

Lussu-nii, Fran, and Bellossom(what his hair looks like bellossoms ass doesn't it?) were in the dining room snacking away at the delicacy of shrimp when I walked in. My entrance was not what any of them were expecting in the least. Fran looked down at his plate before getting up from the table.

"You're awake! Would you like some shri-"

The sound of me scarfing down on Frans plate stopped Lussuria from asking that stupid question. When the last of it was gone I licked my lips and looked at Bel. With his last piece of shrimp in his hand. He looked at it, then at me before that crocodile grin appeared. He popped it into his mouth grinning triumphantly. Ha! Like that was gonna stop me!

I grabbed him by the chin before our lips met. Lussuria froze and dropped his fork. Fran moved to get a decent picture. And at that precise moment of liplockness Xanxus and Squalo stormed into the room. Whatever bickering they were doing died instantly. Squalo was instantly shouting but we weren't paying attention. A small trail of drool slid down Bel's chin as the 'kiss' deepened. When we broke apart he gasped for air while I licked my lips.

"Shit! She ate it all!" Bel yelled wiping his chin on the sleeve of his shirt.

"VOOI! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

I was too busy eyeing the half eaten piece of shrimp still attached to Lussuria's fork to care what they were saying. He picked up the fork and moved it from side to side and I followed it as he moved it. He sighed and gave it to me resting his chin in his palm.

I got what I wanted. That's all that matters. Xanxus was bitching about there being shrimp in the house and launching things at Squalo. I went back to his chair in the library.

"She won't remember this by tomorrow."

Oh how right you are my monotonous friend. Right indeed.


	3. CODE: MANPANTIES

**This drabble was inspired by Queen Adelia's work, Thunder Rolls. I salute you madam!

* * *

**

**Code M.A.N.P.A.N.T.I.E.S.**

Manpanties: noun; men's underwear with a conveniently awesome nickname.

How many men does it take to realize that you could have the greatest man-pantie raid like ever? The answer my good friends is 4. Why only four when there are 6 men? Simple. Because Levi A Than is disgursting and Lussuria...*shudders* I don't even wanna go there.

I bet you're wondering how I got the ingenious idea to go on said pantie raid. That answer is simple too. You see, when living in a castle with nothing but penis you really wonder what kind of underwear they have. And so our story begins.

Normally Lussuria's Squad takes care of the laundry. But since I know that the three men currently folding clothes fear me like no other it was the simplest matter to get them to disappear. Upon their departure my fun began! Oh how much fun I had collecting every pair of underwear within range!

Once I had my basket of man panties I sauntered back to my own bedroom for once! Dumping the container of man panties onto my bed I started sorting. I've seen Squalo's boxers before so I know what they look like! Xanxus...either doesn't wear them or I missed his. Bel...pfft. Who would have known he was a briefs kinda guy. Fran...has frogs on his boxers. All of them. Poor sap, but they are cute! When something pink came into line of vision all movement stopped.

Oh. My. Fuck.

After avoiding my room for almost twenty four hours...quarantined of course _it_ began to happen. They wonderful sound of angry penis's without the protection of their man-panties!

"VOOOI! WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY BOXERS!"

"The prince's have gone missing too."

"Has Lussuria resorted to stealing our underwear then?"

Xanxus of course didn't even make a peep. Apparently he went freeballin. Bitch.

Ah yes back to my room. The atrocious pink eyesore was burned to a crisp and flushed down the toilet, by the way. After getting out of the shower I walked into my room in my own sports bra and panties, looking for something to wear. What better then cute frog boxers! Just my size too...Anyways after donning Fran's boxers and a wife beater I stared as a grin worthy of Belphegor crept onto my face.

I hopped onto my bed and cackled triumphantly counting my new collection for the fourth time in a row. The sound of a camera clicked from my bathroom...Damn that Fran!

Suffice it to say my beautiful collection was taken away from me. Squalo's men were assigned to guarding the laundry doer's livesas well as everyone's man-panties. Fran has yet another picture to add to the pile. Lussuria still doesn't know what happened to his panties. No not man panties. Regular Panties...*shudders*

And Xanxus the ass. He had the nerve to cackle when I asked for my collection back. And then he threw something at my head. Squalo apparently learned to dodge...

You will pay sharkie, oh will you pay.


	4. CODE: BHAISB

**I dont even remember what inspired this...no wait it was one of my friends lol She texted me and told me how she tortured her boyfriend into doing something he didn't want to do! Priceless.**

* * *

**CODE B.H.A.I.S.B.**  
**Bel **  
**Has **  
**An **  
**Incredibly **  
**Sensitive **  
**Body**

There are several spots on the male body that will cause penis hardification. Some are easy to find without having to take clothing off while others tend to be harder to find. Belphegor has 3 such spots on his body. So far I've only found one quite by accident...ish. Fran led me to one whether on purpose or just in passing of a perverted conversation the world may never know.

The spot Fran spoke of is located along his hips. With pants on it's hard to brush by on 'accident' but as curious as I am I could care less if it looked like an accident or not. Everyday at exactly 7:39 no matter what Bel is doing he has to wiz. I know, surely it's just coincedence right? Wrong. I had every bathroom in the house blocked off by my squad saying someone had a case of explosive diarreah and Bel, our royal pain in the ass pissed in the potted tree on the veranda. But that is another hilarious tale for another time.

At precisely 7:41 I stalked our dear prince as he was coming from the bathroom one evening. I am in no way subtle so instead of just trying to corner him I shoved him into the wall from behind, holding on of his arms so he couldn't simply escape.

"Belial! What the hell are you-_ Ahh_!"

Poor Squalo, he was innocent before he just so happened to turn the corner. Bel's shirt was up past his belly button and his pants were just barely above the growing manbuldge in his pants. Squalo, who was drinking something out of a glass for once, choked on his beverage at the sight and the sounds I had managed to squeeze out of Bel. For the record Bel moans like a girl.

"Voooi! What the fuck are you doing!"

"Sssqualo!"

"Geh! Dont say my fuckin name like that!"

Ah, I've had my fun! I let him go with a grin that could only be compared to his own. He fell to the ground in a lump of heated flesh. That wouldn't be the last time I totured our dear Prince. I did it again in a meeting with the Vongola. Can you just imagine the look on Xanxus' face? He was arguing about something and when that sap Tsuna opened his mouth Bel moaned. He jumped up from the table and started throwing knives at me but it didn't matter. I knew how to push his buttons. Or should I say scrape my nails gently across his skin? HA!


	5. CODE: BCRK

**CODE B.C.R.K.**

**Belial  
Cant  
Read  
Kanji

* * *

**

I'm sorry but the fact that the leader of one of the greatest Mafia families in the world is japanese annoys the living shit out of me. I mean seriously? Where did mafia originate? Like Italy right? So what the fuck happened there? It's not that I have a problem with japan in general, the food is different and they use shrimp. Hell no I wont complain about that but the language...good lord.

Up until I joined the varia I pretty much grouped all asian cultures into one. Chinese Korean Japanese all of them. Why? Because of the way they write. It looks like a drunken chicken jumped in an ink puddle and then jumped randomly over paper.

Bel finds humor in this, as does Squalo. Levi got his ass handed to him for laughing about it too. I 'can' speak japanese but dont ask me to write or read anything. It's like asking Jack frost to go visit kids in africa and nip at their fuckin noses.

So when I 'have' to attend meetings I don't do much of shit but listen and/or torture bel and his vongola counterpart. I find it hilarious how nervous he gets around me but he got me back one day. Oh he got me good.

Tsuna handed me something that looked like chicken scratch with italian sidenotes. Gokudera, still pissed over the whole chicken incident(long story for another time), just so happened to be the one who translated that for me. As things progressed I finally bothered to look at the damn paper I was given before I blurted out two words that stopped everything.

"Nugget porn?"

Bel of course cracked up laughing. Squalo gave me one of those what the fuck looks. Yamamoto was trying his hardest to hold in his laugh. I really should have been paying attention tot he conversation.

"What the hell does Nugget porn have to do with anything?"

"What the hell are you talking about you idiot?"

"DUDE! It says nugget porn right here!"

"You idiot-"

Suffice it to say Gokudera got the last laugh that day. I got him back by ordering a rather large amount of chicken nuggets with the wallet he just so happened to lose that day.

* * *

**Short and sweet! The next one shall tell you about the chicken incident MWUAHAHAHA!**


	6. CODE: BIASD

**ok so his is due to my new obsession with a certain group of hot korean guys xD and in a twist of fate it also has the chicken story! lmao!**

**CODE B.I.A.S.D**

**Belial  
Is  
A  
Silly  
Drunk**

* * *

The Vongola is having a party. The Varia came to crash it. Insert evil smiley.

I don't know what they were celebrating before 'we' got there but after we made our arrival it turned into a drinking competition. Hell we were drunk when we got there. Thus the explanation for our arrival! The Varia, myself included, jumped on top of the nearest table stopping all movement in the room.

"To protect the Tenth from devastation!" Yours truly.

"To kill all people outside our nation~!" Our beloved slasher prince.

"To announce the wonders of truth and love!" The flamboyant one.

"To extend our swords to the skies above!" Sharkie even got in on it!

"Belial~!"

"Belphegor~!"

"VARIA BITCHES!"

"...That's Right..." We even got Fran to change into a giant meowth hat!

Of course Xanxus had disappeared before hand and made his way to the source of alcohol, followed by his stalker as always. He decided it was best to pretend we didn't exist the moment I hatched this silly idea of ours.

"Get off the table you idiot!"

"Ne ne Gokudera you're ruining our fun!"

"You weren't even invited!"

"Like that's gonna stop us from joining in."

"Maa, Gokudera it's alright! The more the merrier!"

"Now Belial sweetie remember your limit~!"

"Shut up Luusssu!"

I should have remembered my limit but since I already passed it, it doesn't matter now does it? After getting off the table we went our separate ways, annoying and terrifying the guardians in our own ways. Lussuria was instantly attaching himself to Ryohei's arm. Squalo was talking to Yamamoto...without yelling. Fran was being stabbed by his master and I think he liked it. Not to mention the girls that flocked to his aid...and that hat. Since Hibari was nowhere to be found I followed Bel and went to torment a certain storm guardian.

"Oh look it's the Bells"

"Ushishishi~"

"Hey bel, we should totally make that our nickname!"

"Che, as if the prince would even-"

"If you don't Ill torture you every chance I get."

"Geh! Get away from me!" He hid instantly behind Gokudera much to the shiny headed ones annoyance.

"Ahahaha! What's the matter? Is the great Prince afraid of something?"

"*Hic* Gokudera-'kun' when did you get so tall?"

"You're laying on the table jackass!"

Looking around I found I was indeed laying on the table. A waiter came by with another round of drinks and in a moment of sobriety I managed to snatch it without spilling anything. Standing up I raised my glass.

"Alrighty boys! Who wants to have a drinking contest?"

"Sounds like fun, you'll lose since you're already wasted"

"No way will the tenth-"

"I'll join." Gokudera paled as he saw his beloved tenth grabbed a shot from the tray. He grumbled but didn't hesitate to grab one for himself.

"OI OI! KEEP EM COOOMIN!"

"Bel you sound like Squalo." Both Bel's in attendance turned to stare at a smiling Tuna. At that I grinned and hiccuped again. After at least 4 rounds of shots we were all pretty fucked up. Tsuna turned out to be a better drunk then I imagined. He might be related to Xanxus with the way he held his alcohol.

"Oi Tssuna~! Have you ever...have you ever noticed how much you look like Jonghyun?"

"Who is that?"

"*sigh*There she goes again."

"You don't know who he is? Have you never heard of luficer!"

"Idiot it's Lucifer!"

I'm not sure how I managed to stand on the table, let alone get up there but with a shot in my hand I got up and started singing. Without slurring. In korean.

_"Sungeul gotdo chatji mothae naneun piharyeo go aesseobwado _  
_Geobujocha hal su eobtneun nege gadhyeobeorin na _  
_Sarangieotdamyeon jeongmal saranghaetdeon georamyeon naege ireojineun mala _  
_Her whisper is the LUCIFER"_

Squalo was trying to get me of the table but somehow got pulled up with me. As well as Bel and Yamamoto who apparently knew the song. And the dance. For all Squalo's squabbling he was too drunk to give a fuck anymore so I got him to dance. Singing was a lost cause on him though.

_Nareul mukkgo gadundamyeon sarangdo mukkin chae miraedo mukkin chae keojil su eobtneunde_  
_Ja yurobge biweo nuh go barabwa ojik neoman chaeulge neoman gadeuk chaeulge_

_Geobu hal su eobtneun neoeui maryeokeun LUCIFER_  
_Geobu hal su eobtneun neoeui mabeobeun LUCIFER_  
_Dagaseomyeon neoneun machi cheonsa gadeun eotgullo nareul saneun iyura malhago, malhago_

We had gotten a crowd around us laughing and cheering us on as for some reason we all started to strip. As well as dance. Yamamoto has a nice chest, Bel's still scrawny but apparently he's something to gawk at. Squalo's manboobs are bigger then mine, and he was smiling! My shirt was torn off cause I couldn't get it over my head. Poor Lussuria was getting a deadly vibe from the boss's direction. I'm pretty sure the actual song is playing in the background too.

_Nareul mukkgo gadundamyeon sarangdo mukkin chae mirae do mukkin chae keojil su eobtneunde_  
_Loverhollic, Robotronic, Loverhollic, Robotronic_  
_Geobuhal su eobtneun neoeui maryeokeun LUCIFER!_

The final pose was awesome. Unstable but awesome. Gokudera now saw his fellow guardian in a gayer light. Tsuna was laughing to hard to clap at the mere though of the Varia dancing. My pants were a lost cause so I just settled in to wear Squalo's ridiculously long shirt.

"How do you even know what the hell they're saying let alone how to pronounce all that?" Tsuna asked between great gasps for air.

"Her whisper is the lucifer...it's talkin bout a chick and how everything she does torments them."

"basically" seconded bel.

"You can understand that chicken sound?"

"Keheh...ch-chicken sound?"

It took everything I had not to fall on the ground laughing before an idea hit me. Sitting on the table in front of Gokudera I pulled him by his tie with a grin on my face.

"naega tteud-eogochyeo sipseubnida. ajig-eun dalg-gogicheoleom deullineun geos gat-ayo?"

Bel, the only other person that could understand what I was saying promptly choked on his shot, spitting it everywhere as he laughed. Gokudera's face was bright red considering the position we were in when he looked to Bel for help. Xanxus however came to his rescue by launching a bottle at me at like mach 2.

"Get that trash off the table we're leaving!"

Suffice it to say _daddy_ killed my fun as well as almost killing me. Not to mention splattering a four hundred dollar bottle of Cognac all over me and and the vongola guardians.

When I woke up the next day there was a laptop open in front of me with a note stuck to the screen.

_Welcome to youtube_

_-Fran_

* * *

**The drunk adventures of Belial are finished...for now! No I cannot speak korean but I love that song xD Google translate finally has a use though I doubt it's accurate so don't hate! LOL reviews are always welcome~!  
**


	7. CODE: BITRBLHL

**Yeah I was listening to my ipod and a song came on. A really kinky song. That song is the father of this chapter. El. Oh. El. Kudos to the first person who tells me what song it is. **

**Anywho...Yeah for the avatar crossover thing I dont know what the hell I was thinking. I probably wont finish it mainly because I dont know what Belials fighting style actually is. In my head...she reminds me Nozaru. I have to work on that but anyways! Read on!**

_WARNING:Sexual content. Prepare your noses._

* * *

**CODE B.I.T.R.B.L.H.L.**

**Belial **  
**Is **  
**The **  
**Reason **  
**Bel **  
**Lost **  
**His **  
**License**

* * *

I know for a fact that Belphegor, the genius he is, cant drive. Correction, Bel cant drive while being tormented...and partially raped. How do I know this? Because I did it...and I also got his license permanently suspended! Karma had to be a bitch and take away my baby though. Not a literal baby good god can you imagine me for a mother? That would be terrifying...I meant my Maserati. Not just any old Maserati either. A Maserati birdcage. All black. My baby was beautiful and you know that bitch was fast too!

Anyways we're getting off track here. It all started when we ran out of liquor. In a house with Xanxus this normally means death. And since Bel and I were the ones that drank it along with our Sharkie companion we had to replace it. Out of our own pockets. If that weren't bad enough Belphegor isn't old enough to buy it. But he had more money then me so of course I let him come along. Hell I let him drive my fucking Maserati! Did I know he would crash? No but I should have. Anyway! Since the Varia castle is in the middle of the boonies it took about an hour to get to town, not to mention the liquor store.

When everything was paid for there were 3 extra bottles. I felt nice enough to buy the prince his own bottle, with his own credit card. It's what he gets for not carrying cash in his damn wallet like most normal people would. But then again no one in the Varia is normal. I cracked open a bottle of grey goose, 'my' bottle of grey goose and started sipping on my sizzurp for the ride home. Suffice it to say the bottle was gone before we even got out of the town. Yes I was heavily intoxicated. As was Bel.

Leaning over to lay my head on Bel's shoulder (that car wasn't that big on the inside) I suddenly noticed his earlobe. Not a part of Bel one sees very often with all that damn hair. So of course I followed the urge to nibble at it. He almost swerved off the road and I giggled in his ear softly, teasing it with my teeth every now and then. His breathing picked up incredibly and his knuckles were beyond white gripping the wheel so hard.

My hand slid over his knee and by the time I got to the middle of his thigh he pushed on the gas. Involuntary but just oh so entertaining. When I squeezed the engine would give a small roar. Flicking my tongue against his neck I grinned biting down on the pale flesh as my hand found the growing erection in his pants. I'm still not entirely sure how I got the belt off with one hand but I managed it somehow. It was so much fun being able to control just how fast we went with the slightest little squeeze.

Bel managed to keep from crashing by gripping the wheel with both hands as if his life depended on it. I thought about using both of my hands...and I did too. One to stroke the sensitive spot on his side and the other? Hmmm let's just say I passed my oral exam. With flying colors. I don't think anyone every taught him the wonders of vibration. Not the battery powered kind either I mean the natural rumble of the throat. Apparently it felt good. When he exploded in my mouth he stomped on the gas like a newbie and drove right into a building. Not just any building. Right into the police station. I'm pretty sure that was in the opposite direction of the castle. And I can now say he eats too many sweets. _That _was a bitch to swallow.

An interesting bail call to say the least. Squalo whose voice _apparently_ didn't affect his own hangover was screaming so loud I didn't even have to hold the damn thing! Instead of being yelled at like a child I hung up on him and threatened the police with the knowledge that we were Varia. It came out a bit more slurred then I liked but had the desired effect. Bel and I were released and once outside I got a look at what was supposed to be my car. I could have cried. But Bel attacked me pinning me to what used to be the outside wall of the police station.

It should come as no surprise that we fucked. Right outside the station. In the police station_(with an audience)_ and in a police cruiser. A rather nice one, midnight blue, orgasm inducing engine. The works. It took us two hours to get more alcohol (for Xanxan and us) and get our happy horny drunken asses back to the house. Everything after that was a blur. Judging from the pictures Fran has, I'd say it was fun. He even got one of Bel the day he was sent a letter by the DMV. Priceless. Yes my Maserati may be totaled beyond what I feel like paying for repairs but I've still got the Ducati so I'm good. Oh! I've also got my license. _Ha!

* * *

_**For the record this isn't a belcentric series. I know it would make Belial seem like a whore but shes nuts enough to get away with it. Plus when she drinks she tends to get a little out of hand. 9 times out of 10 she wont remember anything she did while intoxicated.**


	8. CODE:SANTA

**Merry Christmas Everyone! Thanks for waiting so long & I hope you enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

"Ho, ho, ho~! Merry Christmas~!"

"You are a ho Lussuria...where the hell did you get this costume anyway?"

"Quit complaining! Santa needs a helper!"

"You realize that Santa is just a fat guy with a bunch of deer. He sneaks into your house to see how much money you have, the richer you are the better your gifts."

"You poor thing! Did no one ever tell you about Santa?"

"I just told you about him. Things like this don't interest me, never have."

"You're such a spoil sport!"

"If I'm such a spoil sport then please tell me why _I'm_ wearing the Santa Costume?"

Yes folks that's right. Lussuria decided he wanted the skirt. These poor children. Although I have to admit Lussuria has some killer legs...heh. I'm not entirely sure how or why the Varia is doing this, donating toys and adding confusion to the poor children of Italy. It was the Tenths idea but Xanxus refused thank god. And yet here I am, sweating to death in a fat suit just to have some snot nosed brats jump on me for the millionth time that day.

The tenth pretty much put his foot down on this whole...Santa bullshit. He has been keeping several of the orphanages open over the years and this year we drew the short stick. Xanxus, the ass is kickin it up with some heavily spiked eggnog and Squalo is with him. I don't envy the poor sap though. At least we didn't end up like Bel and Fran in the soup kitchens. We are murderers and now the tenth wants us to repent or something...that or this is payback for the Christmas party last year. Normal eggnog isn't flammable! How was I supposed to know there was brandy in it?

Ugh! I hate this damn suit! And I hate little kids even more! I swear to everything that keeps me partially sane if another one of these brats pulls this beard I'll kill them! Lussuria must have super glued this thing on or something and that shit hurts! One of the little kids that's supposed to be loving this whole Santa thing is standing in the corner by himself. He looks pissed off too...not my-

"Psst! Go spread some cheer!" Fucking Lussuria.

"Ho ho ho kid whats your problem? Don't you see the suit?"

"Yeah I see the suit and what?"

"You're a cocky little shit aren't you?"

"Beeeeel!"

"What! He's being difficult!" UGH! Damn you Lussuria! And damn you Decimo!

"What's got you so down? Everyone should be happy for Christmas."

"You killed my family last year why should I be happy?" Does this kid even know who I am? Wait...I was in japan for Christmas last year...

"Did I really? And what exactly did I kill your family with?"

"A flaming _reindeer_!"

"Huh...I heard about that. Some Jackass really thought he was Santa and went around killing people on his _naughty_ list...Hate to break it to you kid but it wasn't me. I wouldn't have done that" Nor would I have been caught but I'm not about to tell him that.

"Why should I believe you?"

"Look you little-" Breath. You can't kill him. "bundle of joy. If it'll make you feel any better I can take you to the guy who did it. He's not goin anywhere no time soon."

"Why would I wanna see him?"

"To slap the shit out of him? Who cares! Just make with the happy or the queer back there handing out gifts won't leave. He'll sing too."

This kid can act. I hadn't expected him to hug me though. But it served it's purpose. Lussuria and the woman in charge of the children were both smiling and sighing probably talking about holiday cheer or something else equally gay. He ran off faking the happiest smile I'd ever seen and took a gift from Santas little helper. When the woman ushered the children towards the door I hid the boy behind me. The fat suit finally served a purpose. Lussuria gave me a look and I shrugged ushering the kid out the back door before someone saw him.

Santa was riding in style, fuck that sleigh bullshit. Sawada hooked us up with an F-250 Super Chief. In the back there was only one bag of toys left since we were almost done for the night. The kid hopped in the back all exited to be sitting in something so 'cool'. Lussuria gave me a worried look from behind his sunglasses.

"Belial why are you taking this boy?"

"She's taking me to the guy who killed my family."

"You knew I was a girl?"

"Duh." Touche little fucker touche.

"Belial you don't even know where that guy-"

"No but Squalo would."

"You want to take him to Squalo!" Why is he so dramatic?

"Hell no the kid would die of a heart attack or something."

"I have a name ya know."

"What's that sweety?"

"It's Felix."

"Whatever, plug your ears kid." Lussuria braced himself for the impending damage to our eardrums.

"! WHAT THE FUCK IS TAKING YOU SO LONG!"

"We got sidetracked. Ne Squalo, you remember the Santa Slayer?"

"What about him?"

"Was he put on one of our lists?"

"No the police got him why?"

"One of what lists?"

"Zip it fletcher, where is he?"

"San Vittore."

"Milan? You sure?"

"Yeah why? VOOOI! We weren't assigned anything so don't-"

"Gotta go bye!" I grinned

"Belial thats almost a hundred miles away from here!"

"Which is exactly why I'm calling in a favor. Buckle up kid!"

God bless the Tuna that got us this truck! It only took about half an hour to get to the place, though the brat fell asleep. You know you're the shit when you can change out of a fat suit without crashing and still manage to stay the speed limit. When we pulled to a stop Felix fell onto the cab floor. Yay for brake checks. He zombied his way back into the seat but we were getting out. He looked around confused for a minute before I finally smacked him. Patience is a virtue I dont possess.

"What's going on? where are we?"

"We are going to collect a favor and when we get to Milan you get to slap the shit out of santa. Ain't that something?"

"Lady you're crazy."

"True but that's a requirement for someone in my field now lets go! Chop chop!"

He had to bungee jump out of the truck which made me wonder how old this boy was. We banged on the door and had to wait til the geezer cracked it. He lost at least three shades of color when he saw me.

"Belial. Wy are you here?"

"Open up old man~! I need that ride."

"Ride? What ride?"

"We need to be in Milan in like...an hour ago."

"What does that have to do with me?"

"Don't make me do it Guippeto, not in front of the kid eh?" We pushed by him and he eyeballed the boy.

"Someone finally manage to knock you up?"

"Hell no. I like to think of a more...sisterly approach."

"What's you're name lad?"

"It's-"

"Fletcher about that ride."

"Felix."

"Whatever. You still got that bird of yours?"

"Heh just finished upgradin it the other day."

"Good fire it up."

"Bird?"

"You'll see. Guipetto here likes to build things. Some things that get him in a little bit of trouble too."

"You'll never let go of that nickname will ya? The names Victor."

Felix was a little entertained with the mild bickering between me and the old guy. Victor retold the story of how we met and somehow it's changed over the years. The police were chasing him for his precious bird and because of me hey left him alone. Alot can happen when you drop the name vongola and get away with it. When the bird started whirring to life we all got in, me of course in the co-pilot seat. Victor taught me how to fly in exchange for his freedom but he still owed me. Felix was awed by it, flying. I suppose it can have that effect on people but when you've done it so many times it gets boring.

I told him to fly directly to the prison and he worried a bit but I told him to shut up and fly. The Vongola have a bit of a standing relationship with San Vittore...I hope. Sure enough they asked for an authorization code and everything was cool when we said vongola! Woot. Felix was nervous though, of course anyone would be when you're about to walk into a prison full of murderers. The guards were fully cooperative though they were a bit wary when they saw Felix. The little brother thing actually passed.

"There he is."

"This guy?"

"Yup. The Santa Slayer. Go on he's chained up."

Felix reached back to smack a hoe but stopped...and started crying. What kinda pussy shit is that! I didn't bring him all the way out here to- Lussuria grabbed my arm and shook his head. God it pissed me off! Why wont he do something! I brushed off Lussuria and walked up to the kid.

"I...I cant do it..."

"No you won't do it. There's a difference. It's not like I brought you here to kill him so quit being a bitch and whack him already."

He reached back again and stopped, dropping his hand.

"It's not worth it."

So I socked him. Felix stared wide eyed at me and the guy now spitting out a tooth.

"Belial..."

"He took everything away from you and it's not worth it! What the hell is wrong with you! He didn't just kill your family! Think of all the people that would give anything to be where your standing right now! Would they still think it's not worth it!"

"Bel...He's not like-"

Felix kicked the holy shit out of the guy cutting of Lussuria's emotional spiel. Every guy in there cringed reachng for their own junk. I grinned patting him on the head. He looked up at me with those bambi eyes and hugged me. For real this time. I could feel the warmth from his tears and it burned...like acid.

It took about an hour to get back to the orphanage and when he waved got up to his room he stood in the window waving like a lunatic. Lussuria was all teary eyed and I rolled my eyes waving back at the kid.

* * *

_**The next morning...**_

"VOOOOOOOI! WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A LITTLE KID HERE!"

"Do you have to be so loud?"

"Belial you didn't!"

"What the hell is he doing here!"

"He's my christmas present to myself now shut up and let me sleep."

"Ushishishi~! The prince wants to play with him~!"

"Back of Bel he's an innocent."

Felix moved in his sleep and I pushed them all out of my room. I turned around and smiled faintly to myself.

"Merry Christmas kid..."


	9. CODE: BDPFF

**CODE: BDPFF**

**BIRTHDAY PRESENT FOR FELIX**

* * *

It's been one hell of a year..or few monthes. Felix went through a growth splurt. Which was...awkward. He's almost as tall as I am now. He's 12 by the way. And apparently his birthday is coming up. He's gotten used to the whole assassin thing. And the fact that I choose to walk around in the nude. Or as close to it as possible. But I have to wonder...what the fuck do you get a 13 year old for his birthday? Not that I truly cared if he got anything but still. Lussuria demanded, as his foster mother, that I get him something. Queer.

I, being of the female persuasion believe that Felix, being of the male persuasion, would like something to do with sex. Of course that idea was slapped down by Lussuria and Squalo. Who knew getting a 13 year old a prostitute would cause such chaos. Felix, who's completely accustomed to the chaotic ways of the varia simply shook his head and walked away. I should just ask him what he wants and tell him to act surprised when he opens his gift. Of course we all know what Xanxus is getting him, absolute zilch but Lussuria is taking care of that.

"Ok apparently buying you a hooker is wrong as is a stripper what the hell should I get you?"

"You don't have to get me anything ya know."

"Try telling that to Lussuria."

"I have. I dont want a party or any of that."

"Come on just name something. Anything."

"Anything?"

"Don't get carried away."

Felix plopped down on the couch. He and Bel made up a game of tossing the remote and catching it. A game he apparently excelled at considering the number of times I had to stop Bel from turning him into a pinada. I sat on the table across from him tapping my foot impatiently.

"Come on boy think faster, I do have other things to do."

"A car?"

"Fuck no. Something I can fit in a box."

"Ugh this is stupid! I really don't want anything!"

"Ya know...you make me wonder. I mean you know for a fact that I kill people for a living, a job that rolls in alot of dough! You even know how much money is in my bank account down to the penny and you're telling me there's absolutely nothing you want?"

"I wanna go to france. With you."

"I don't do snails."

"FIne then...China."

"Tempting but no. Triads are a pain in the ass to deal with."

"I don't care where we go! Just...I wanna spend some time with you...I've been living here for months now and I know more about Fran then I do about you."

"I have a job, one that constantly..." There's that fuckin look I hate so much! He uses it to his advantage all the damn time! That little shit knows it work every time too!

"Fine! fine, I'll take you somewhere but don't expect to get all buddy buddy."

"Really? But wher-"

"It's a surpprise. I get to decide where we go. Since you want to get all emotional I at least wanna be somewhere I'm comfortable."

Suffice it to say we're headed to Tahiti. For a whole week. Just the two of us. Spoiled brat.

* * *

**I know its short but this is only the first of probably many chapters. Im bored and sitting in my room on this tiny netbook thing. Anyways review bitches! And I'll add a hilarious smexy chapter aftwerwards!**

**P.S. for the love of god please over look the errors, grammatically speaking. This screen is way too tiny for me to care but if there are like an epic number of mistakes I'll get up, walk the 20 feet to my computer and fix it...later.**


	10. CODE BATVHTT

**Okay so before you wig out on me this chapter is a bit...irregular considering the series. The good part about it is you get to know a bit about Belial. And her age! Almost...let's just say shes yunger then squalo...but older then Bel...yeah thats good enough. Again, I know there are errors. I'm lazy and going blind right now so you'll have to deal with it.**

**CODE BATVHTT**

**BELIAL AND THE VARIA HEAD TO TAHITI.**

* * *

Okay so I may have sugar coated it a bit. Just a bit. I had a job to finish in Tahiti and since I had to go I might as well have just taken the kid with me. I still don't understand why everyone had to come as well. Felix wasn't happy. Not in the least. I walked into our hotl room with dry blood all over my bikini clad form.

"Belial! I knew it! You lied to me! You said-"

"We're in a room in a 5 star hotel in Tahiti. What more could you possibly want?"

"I wanted to get to know you!"

"Killing is a part of me. And now that my job is done we've got 6 days to stay and 'talk'. For now I'm takin a shower. Get me some room service I'm fuckin starving."

It didn't dawn on me that Felix disappeared until I got out of the shower. Damnit kid. I put on a new bikini, grabbed the belt with my box weapons and the key to the room and went in search of my errant ward. Why the hell is he...such a chick? Maybe I should stop him from hanging out with Lussira so much.

I found him on the beach about half an hour later. I really wanted to slap the hell out him for making me look for him in the first place. He didn't even order me any food before making me go on a wild goose chase. I took a deep breath like those parenting magazines said and sat down beside him. He didn't look at me, just continued to stare out over the horizon.

"Fran likes pudding..."

"what the hell?"

"Lussuria makes the best cookies I've ever tasted. He puts Otis Spunkmeier to shame. Belphegor can dance better then most women, Even pole dancing. Levi A Than is a master at caligraphy amazingly. Squalo knows how to cornroll hair."

"Seriously?" He nodded.

"Even though they are kinda surprising...and a bit scary I know these things about them. I've experienced them. But the only thing I know about you is that you love shrimp, you're a crazy horny drunk and you like being nude."

"Believe it or not that's about all there is to me kid. I don't know what you expect from me-"

"I don't know what I expect from you either. You're clearly not mother material. Not even sister material really."

"Whats that-"

"But I've grown to think of you a sister...or a cousin. Or a crazy babysitter. You've managed to keep me alive in that crazy house. And even though I hate what you do for a living I put up with it because you care."

"If I didn't care you'd probably be with the manson family or something." I ruffled his hair and he grinned.

"Exactly. But Why?"

"Why?" I had to think about that for a minute. And then it hit me.

"You remind me of me. Or you did when you were in the orphanage. An angry little kid with nothing to vent on..."

"You were in an orphanage?" I nodded my head thinking abck on it.

"My family was killed by a rival...we were only a small organization then...but they slaughtered us. Every last one of them. I was legally dead for 3 minutes. No one tried to bring me back to life. I just chose not to die. I was put in an orphange and just like I did with you someone took me to the man responsible for the death of everyone in my family...Instead of kicking him in the balls I killed."

"How?"

"I shot him point blank in the face without even blinking an eye. After that I slowly got better and better at killing until the Ninth found me. He hired me to do a simple job but it was a trap...a test. The person he sent me after was an old man, with an elderly wife and grandchildren to look after."

"You didn't do it did you?"

"No. I killed them all. I did exactly what I was hired to do. Had I been the emotional type I would've let the woman and children go but I thought...why would I let those kids go through what I did just because of something someone else in their family did? Make them grow up hating someone they don't even know?"

"What happened after that?"

"Tyr found me...he was the last boss for the Varia. He'd already molded Squalo into what he is today. He told me I had potential. I ignored him of course, hell it was over 10 years ago."

"You didn't become part of the varia then?"

"No. I moved on but when I found out the Ninth had stepped down, out of respect I went to the inheritance ceromony. Thats when I met Xanxus and Squalo. Squalo said something to me, hell I don't even remember what it was but it pissed me all the way off. So I socked him."

"What?"

"Knocked him flat on his ass. Xanxus laughed...and the next thing I knew I was part of the Varia."

"Wow..."

"Yup."

"So...will I become part of the varia someday?"

"...no. I don't think you will. You have abosolutely no talent no skills and you're about as emotional as a teenage girl. You woldn't stand a chance."

"Gee thanks."

"You, Felix, will move on to do far better things then I ever did."

"Thanks Belial...for everything. Although I do have on question..."

"What's that?"

"Do you know how to surf?"

"As a matter of fact I do. Come on while I'm still sober."

"You plan on drinking!"

"Hell. Yes."

I hope that was good enough him cause it was damn sure awkward for me. Not as awkwards as seeing Levi in a speedo...*shudders* I can only hope Felix doesn't end up as twisted as I am. Especially not after dealing with all this...traumatizing nonsense. Good god. What in the blue fuck is Lussuria wearing?

* * *

FIN. No I dont mean the series lol. I have an update for almost everything but Antonio! Ish...lol


	11. CODE:BHABA?

**Okay people after sitting down and actually bothering to apply myself I've come up with several goodies for all you girls and the occasional boy o.o any who! On with the Show xD**

* * *

**CODE: BHABA?**

**Belial has a Box Animal?**

* * *

"Hey Felix..."

"Yeah?"

"Is there a reason you're sitting in the car? I clearly remember leaving you in the castle. And yet here you are sitting in my fucking car." Bel grinned like the crocodile he probably is.

"Ushishishi~! The peasant wanted to see what I can do so we decided to tag along!" I laid my head on the steering wheel and took a deep breath looking back at the grinning little shitheads in the back seat of the car.

"Let me get this straight...you wanted to see Bel kill something instead of staying at home with the ridiculously expensive tutor Lussuria made me hire for you." The boy nodded and I rubbed my hand over my face. On the one hand I should kick them out of my car, considering I still had to pay for the lesson Felix was currently skipping and Belphegor was poaching. But They'd both learn something if I didn't...not that I'm suddenly turning into someone who cares what my retarded ward or the arrogant prince learn. I grinned, Bel wouldn't see a cent for his work and Felix...well he'll learn to stay on the princes good side. Hopefully the freak doesn't see his own blood. I don't want to have to pay for therapy too.

"Fine. But if either of you get blood in my car you're dead meat."

Okay so maybe letting Bel come along was okay considering he was actually a...killer. But Felix? He didn't squeal like a bitch when all the action started nor when a gun was pointed on him. He did panic a bit when one of the enemy whipped out a fuckin Box animal and a really big snake at that. Bel was all too happy with his dagger to bring that little ferret thing out so I had no choice The snake was going after Felix when they realized he hadn't done anything but run. I sighed sticking the flame covered ring in the one box of my artillery I tried my damnedest not to use.

"What the hell is that!" Felix hollered seeing the big purple starfish float in front of him. A small purple flame lit from each of its...appendages. Felix skidded to a halt and looked behind him to see the snake still coming. Like the good little bitch he is he ducked when I said to. And watched the snake eat the starfish. It was at this point that Bel broke out of his _zone_ to cackle.

"Oh my god! Staryu! Ushishishi~! He got ea-" he probably rose and eyebrow under that mop of his.

"Felix I'd move if I were you." He got up and ran to my side wheezing. When we got back I was definitely gonna turn his ass over to Squalo. He'd whip the kid into shape in no time. They both watched as the snakes body expanded from end to end until its skin shredded under the pressure. Felix looked a bit green around the gills when he saw the massive amount of gunk covered starfish. Bel started laughing even harder.

"Belial what was that!"

"That is my box animal." The creatures shot apart attaching themselves to the faces of the enemy. They struggled and squirmed like girls trying to get the starfish off their faces and I grinned. The original starfish came floating towards me.

"Staryu~!" The starfish attached itself to Bels face and I grinned wider.

"Her name is Stella, don't listen to Bel or you'll end up like him." Felix paled a bit watching the prince squirm on the ground like the other men. He pulled and pulled even tried stabbing it but it didn't help him any.

"It's not gonna kill him is it?" I looked over my shoulder and shrugged.

"She cant stand him...Stella." Bel had stopped fighting. Felix thought he was dead but the prince gasped for air once the starfish let go. He sat up rubbing snake goop off his face and cussing up a storm. Once all the other men had stopped moving the starfish disappeared in a small puff or purple flames.

"Whoa...Belial that's so cool!" Stella seemed to like Felix, she sat on top of his head like a hat and made some noise I've never heard before. I rose an eyebrow but ignored it walking the country mile back to the car.

"When we get back not only are you going to do the lesson you skipped out on but I'm telling Squalo to train you. If you think I'm gonna save your ass all the time you're sadly mistaken."

"Aw! Come on Belial! It was just one time! Besides Squalos a health Nazi!"

"Ushishishi~! The prince would hate to be in your position peasant."

"Don't get too cocky Bel, you're not getting paid for today. Consider it a lesson in free labor." He flinched outwardly grit his pretty little teeth.

"You don't have the-"with a sinister grin I cut him off.

"Actually Belbitchor I do. You can even ask Levi A Than." They vein on his neck was pounding pretty hard.

"Why would the prince want to talk to that old pervert?"

"Because he's probably the only person besides Xanxus that knows I've been dealing the Varia finances for years." His jaw hit the floor and he crossed his arms the whole ride home. He was determined to prove me wrong.

Bel was stunned when he discovered I was telling the truth. The prince went into a rage but he was thankfully distracted by Fran. Poor pin cushion. Lussuria was surprised to see Stella stuck to Felix's head. She'd been like that for hours and I just _didn't_ have the heart to separate them. Paybacks a bitch isn't it guys?

* * *

**Good god! I thought it would be impossible to come up with a suitable cloud box weapon animal but I just so happened to look at a picture that said chocolate starfish (dont ask) and then I remembered my biology class! Something I learned in high school actually came in handy for once! Lol hope you enjoyed~! Next one is coming really soon!**


	12. CODE SECRETSANTA

Ah the antics of Belial will never cease to amaze me xD. hope everyone has a joyous holiday season from me and Belial!

**CODE S.E.C.R.E.T.S.A.N.T.A.**

* * *

Its that time of year again. The time when Lussuria pulls himself away from all the killing and decks the halls with his holiday cheer. Oh how I wish he had something to vent his cheer on. Hell felix wasn't even a good diversion. He ended up on the dark side. I tried my damndest to stay out of his way cause I'd be damned if I ended up being santa again. Or his little helper god forbid.

"Come on, everyone take a slip from the santa hat~!"

Seriously? I woke up for this? What the hell is this crap? Secret Santa? He got this idea from watching to many christmas specials again. He tried it last year but we ended up drawing the short stick and delivering toys to the needy kids in Italy. Maybe its cause he's gay? That's more believable...

After everyone save Xanxus pulled a little white slip from the hat we all just stared at the papers in silence.

_I got Felix. He shouldn't be too hard to please. Maybe I'll get him something sweet. That's always easy._

_Geh! I got Belial! Why of all people did the prince have to get someone like her!_

_Voi what the hell am I going to get that wimp? He's an illusionist he can make anything he wants appear..._

_Hmph. Belphegor eh? He gets to live another year that's good enough._

_Squalo? Aw man! Why did I have to get stuck with that health nazi! I wonder if I can trade mine..._

_I got boss..._

_Oh dear, I got Levi. What on earth am I going to get him of all people?_

_I didn't get Boss..._

"A-alright everyone, rules~! No trading and no complaining!" He rambled of about something but I couldn't focus on him while I tried opening and closing the paper in my hand. The name didn't change. Damnit.

"You cant be serious. How the hell am I gonna-"

"And no saying who you got either Bel~! You'll ruin the point of the secret Santa!"

"So let me get this straight. You expect us to find a gift for the person we got?"

"Exactly."

"Alright. Felix let's go."

"Ah ah! You can't go shopping together."

Ugh. Whatever. Let's get this over with.

* * *

**Yeah the Secret Santa is a two part thing. It WILL be done by christmas though. At least thats the goal.**


End file.
